The manly men’s guide to manliness

While this has always been true, seldom has it been more widely recognized as existing in the public consciousness than in these last few years.

“All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.”-George Orwell

Men, such as myself, tend to pick up faulty programing as children. I’m told that this can make a less self-aware man do stupid stuff.

From the manly man’s book of junk and stuff (that I just now made up), we can find a list of programming bugs that often become default behavior when things don’t go how we expect them to. None are more notorious and common than the base software, emergency repair procedures. We learn these from our parents, but they were invented back in the stone age by proto humans.

The emergency repair procedures for ALL DEVICES are plain, obvious, instinctual, and most of all, usually entirely ineffectual. Pay attention and you will see other people do these things everywhere to TV remotes, computers, cell phones, cars, small animals, children (who are also just small animals) and of course, other people.

There are too many to count, really, but here are the top ones for what people do when things don’t work like we expect.

#1 Hit it

With something, on something… it depends on how heavy it is. Did it fix it? No? Try hitting it twice, or harder.

#2 Push all the buttons and yell at it.

Admittedly, women are mainly accused of doing this rather than men, but that is because they give no fucks and they also aren’t afraid of having witnesses.

#3 Throw it out into the yard.

“While screaming obscenities” is optional.

#4 Call customer support.

Oh… the shame…Call it a lifeline, or the Farcebuck mind, or your parents… it doesn’t erase your feelings of failure.

#5 Turn it off, and then back on again.

Mostly because that is what customer support suggested.

#6 Beg and plead with it.

Bargaining with “X” (God, Dog, the Devil, the spirit of your dead grandfather who could fix anything and everything with a pocket knife and some tape, or whatever) is included in this.

# 7 Give into despair.

Which usually leads to

#8 Drinking to dull the pain.

Which usually leads to

#9 ILL advised activities

Driving, texting, texting while driving, shopping online, and MURDER.

This is usually followed by

#10 regrets….

Followed by

#11 Sober shopping.

For a replacement, a contractor, a good friend with a big trunk and a shovel who is willing to help you hide the evidence..

… and so on.

Wisely, I have trained myself over the decades to not do these things (too often).

And then one day I was confronted by a meme that asked, “Anybody have an owners manual for a wife? Mine’s making a whining sound.”

First off, that is rather sexist. Its not an “owners manual”. You don’t own them anymore than they own you. Secondly, I corrected your punctuation. Thirdly, it is actually the Chilton’s repair manual that you want. The owners manual only tells you useless stuff like how to buckle your seat belts and how to change the blinker fluids. Finally, no… Its out of print. You might find a dated copy from the 1950s but you dont want that. The procedures are all wrong and the torque specs are too tight. You will just end up warping the head or blowing a gasket.

What was I talking about?

Oh, right

Here’s what I suggest :

Never ever use emergency repair procedure #1.

You probably should skip #2 as well.

#3 isn’t great for anyone either, so skip that.

You’ve already accessed #4. How’s that going?

#5 isn’t really an option. (Or is it?)

#6 is fine though. Most men go straight to #6…. good luck with that.

#7… You can live there, for years. It gets comfy after a while. Though that might be because…

#8 is your happy place.

But if you don’t want to go for # s 9, 10 , 11, et cetera… might I suggest listening?

After all, she is probably working down a standardized procedure list of her own that is equally as effective as yours. (I am, for some reason, not qualified to quantify that list though. So don’t ask.)

About Rick Wasserman

Here is my second round of blogging as my first round in Blog 1 seems to have evaporated. I have been writing for decades. Most of it is crap, but you probably figured that out on your own.
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